Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
