Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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