it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
