hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
