I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
