On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
