So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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