It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
