A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize