When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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