I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
