well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
