he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
