We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
