this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
