So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
