Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
