if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
