i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
