I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
