In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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