and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
