Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
