Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
