Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
