You just made me feel so damn special
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
