ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
