I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
