i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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