Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You need a sexual gate keeper
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
