i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
