I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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