i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
