Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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