My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
