saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just high enough for therapy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
