Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
