white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I AM VODKA MAN
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
