Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
