I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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