just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
