is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
