I am in a vortex of obligation.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
