you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I lost the right to judge tonight
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
