Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
