I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
