your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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