Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
