my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
