I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
false alarm. still invincible.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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