I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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